If you’re feeling less than confident with the way things are going right now and find yourself shutting down a lot, you might be curious about how to be less defensive.
After all, the last thing the world needs right now is more divisiveness.
Yet, the notion of opening yourself up can feel uncomfortable or even downright frightening. Fortunately, it’s a process and you can take your time working through it.
Why Are We So Guarded Lately?
The pandemic that turned our lives upside down was not that long ago. And though it doesn’t pose the threat it once did, the virus is still circling. So yes, people are traumatized. And many don’t know it (or at least, won’t admit it).
Furthermore, if you live in the United States, the illusion of ‘us’ and ‘them’ has become so dug in that many of us are guarding ourselves from those whose opinions differ from our own. We may feel at war with our neighbors, our friends, and our families. This is also a form of trauma.
It’s human nature to put up walls in the midst of and after trauma. It’s a protective mechanism to keep out further harm. Unfortunately, it’s also a barrier to the healthy situations and people we need right now to foster a sense of hope and community.
So we have to learn how to start tearing down those walls.
How to Be Less Defensive
When we’re in a guarded state, it can seem that we’re closing ourselves off from other people because they’re the problem. And in some cases, that might be at least partially true. But there’s also a good chance that your own fears about yourself are at work here.
Perhaps you’re defensive because you don’t wish to be judged or to be seen as weak, needy, or vulnerable. You may go to great lengths to appear that you’ve got it all under control and you don’t want to give up that illusion. You may even fear that people won’t like the REAL you.
But when you’re in a perpetual state of defensiveness, there’s no room for the growth that comes from being unafraid to be yourself: of feeling your feelings; of understanding your goals; and of setting healthy boundaries. Only when you move away from defensiveness can you find peace and community.
So where do you begin?
1. Recognize Your Triggers
What is it that gets to you? Maybe you shut down when you’re feeling bullied. Or you might lash out and leave a scene if you feel you’re not being heard or treated fairly. Each time you go into a situation, enter with that knowledge.
Knowing that these reactions to difficult conversations and situations don’t serve you enables you to prepare. Start by committing to a deep breath to give yourself time to respond rather than react. You can also enlist the services of a life coach to get you started.
2. Establish Boundaries
Letting down your guard doesn’t mean you should be okay with being treated disrespectfully. It is well within reason to set a boundary with anyone who’s doing this. Let him or her know that you only want to discuss a certain issue in a mutually respectful way. If that isn’t possible, then you can calmly decline to forward the discussion and walk away.
3. Approach Each Situation Mindfully
Once you recognize triggers and know how to set boundaries, it’s easier to approach each situation mindfully
In a difficult discussion, take the time to engage in deep listening. Attempt to truly hear the other person’s issues rather than going right to shutting down and discounting them. He or she wants to be seen and validated as much as you do.
And remember, you’re going to be in the wrong sometimes. So rather than going into full-on defensive mode, own up to it and take responsibility. If you can treat it as a teaching moment, it’s another sure opportunity for growth.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Here’s the thing. We’re all flawed. Every last one of us.
We’re all the products of our upbringing and each have our own story. And we all make mistakes. So while you’re making concessions for those around you, remember to show yourself some kindness, concern, and care.
Practicing compassion for yourself helps get the brain out of its default survival mode where you tend to be reactive, defensive, and shut down. Forgive yourself so that you can forgive others.
5. Know That You May Not Know
While the above four steps are a viable way to begin to understand why you feel a certain way, there are going to be times where your reactions make no sense. That’s okay. Really. Emotions that defy logic are part of the human experience.
Either way, you’re doing the work.
You’re Never Alone
As you embark on learning how to be less defensive, just know that your path won’t always be linear. Some days will feel very natural. Others will feel more like two steps forward and one step back.
Whatever the case, keep at it.
And know that we’re here to help. Contact us today to learn how our online and on-site coaching and mindfulness practices can help you let your guard down to live a more liberated and peaceful life.
